Dwight Howard Induces Feelings of Inadequacy in 3 of 4 Males Surveyed
ORLANDO, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Standing a sculpted 6-11, with muscles piled like chiseled onyx, Dwight Howard is an astonishing physical specimen. For three widely watched games against the Cleveland Cavaliers, the Magic’s abundantly gifted center has been a persistent, not entirely welcome presence in millions of living rooms — even among a surprisingly high number of male Magic fans who admit to feelings of “unease and anxiety” when the palpably potent Howard fills their television screens.
“We just collect the data, we’re not therapists,” said Richard Engels, partner in the market research firm Giles, Rich and Engels, who supervised the survey, which was commissioned by a sports apparel company Engels refused to name. “But you don’t have to be Sigmund Freud to connect the dots, as it’s harder to imagine a bigger potency gap than the one that exists between Dwight Howard and 99.999% of American men. Just the thought of Dwight Howard is enough to reduce the stoutest erection into a fast-wilting crinkler.”
Crinkler, explained Engels, is a term of art for an “erection in reverse.”
Orlando resident and devoted Magic fan Art Manoff attests to the Howard effect. “I’m just happy to see I’m not alone,” said the impeccably groomed five foot three inch Manoff. “I’ve tried countering it by wearing a superman cape, but you can’t fool the wife. When Dwight’s in the house – in a manner of speaking – there’s only one man of steel.”
John Amechi, the first NBA player to “come out,” said he wouldn’t be surprised if Howard induced similar feelings in teammates and other players around the league. “Guys are always checking each other out,” said Amechi, “but no one attracts the lingering, admiring glances like Dwight. In a league of hard bodies, Dwight’s is the hardest. NBA players have big egos, so it’s got to be tough when the three groupies in your hotel room all insist you answer to the name Dwight.”
Roland Harris, a friend of Howard’s, insists that people don’t appreciate the burden of sporting an Adonis-like physique. “Just last night Dwight had four Swedish tourists back to the crib for some R&R. After, one of them goes: not bad, but he’s no Dwight Howard. Everyone’s a critic.”