Chemical Ali Wants One More Bout with Joe Frazier Before Being Executed
“You want a piece of me? Well, that can be arranged by combining Ammonium Oxalate and Rhodamine B,” says Chemical Ali
BAGHDAD, IRAQ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Ali Hassan Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti, the former Iraqi Defense Minister known as Chemical Ali, learned last Thursday that he would be executed within the month. Upon hearing the news, Ali made only one request, that he have one last fight with former World Heavyweight Champion Joe Frazier in a scheduled fifteen round boxing match.
“I don’t care where they put the stage, Frazier’s gonna feel my rage,” said a spry and confident looking Ali from his eight by eight jail cell. It was explained to the sixty-six year old military commander that he never fought Joe Frazier, and that he might be suffering from some sort of delusion possibly brought on by the stress of his pending hanging. “He clearly thinks he’s Muhammad Ali,” said UN spokesperson Percy Crabtree. “He’s moving and talking like Muhammad did circa 1974 in Zaire – the confidence, the brash trash talk, the dazzling rhyme laden pronouncements. He’s obviously watched a lot of clips on ESPN Classic.”
Frazier, who’s approximately three years younger than Ali says he’s retired and doesn’t plan on returning to the ring to fight someone he doesn’t even know. “I don’t recall this dude at all,” said the man known as Smokin’ Joe. “He claims we’ve fought before, but I went through my newspaper clippings – nothing.”
Still, others say they do recall Ali in several bouts with top heavyweight contenders. “Sure I remember him,” said Sammy St. Clair, who refereed several fights in the mid seventies. “He went eleven rounds with Ken Norton in 1973. I distinctly remember him rubbing some sort of powder compound in Kenny’s eyes. My guess is that’s why they called him Chemical Ali. Look, they all had their gimmicks. I guess exposing opponents to lethal doses of aluminum chloride was his.”
The math works. Chemical Ali would have been the right age during the heavyweight class’s heyday from the late 1960’s to the mid 1970’s. But records of several fights from that era are sketchy. “It’s a tough call,” said Clifford Faut, who worked for boxing promoter Don King from 1974 to 1981. “If you’re asking me if I ever saw Ali fight, I’d say no. But was he on the scene? Who can say for sure? It wasn’t uncommon for guys to use aliases back then. The sport wasn’t policed like it is today. So, I suppose a delusional madman hell bent on wiping out whoever he came in contact with by utilizing various highly toxic cocktails could slip through the cracks and go a few rounds with let’s say, Ernie Shavers or Jerry Quarry for example.”
Of course it may all come down to money. Joe Frazier’s financial woes are nearly as legendary as his career. A handsome paycheck could entice the boxing legend to lace up the gloves one final time. But he’ll have to make a decision quickly and undergo intense training as Ali’s execution is imminent. The potential multi-million dollar purse, which could attract a huge international television audience, is less attractive to Ali, who won’t be alive to enjoy it. However, he did recently receive some good news by securing an endorsement deal with Havoc Rat and Mouse Bait.