JUNEAU (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Some called it a bridge to the future. Others called it a bridge too far. Most called it a gateway to an endless succession of losing seasons and snow-swept desolation as far as the eye can see.
Three months after she was elected Alaska’s governor, Sarah Palin publicly announced her opposition to a proposed NFL franchise that was to be based in the state capital of Juneau, population 30,711. The freshly minted governor bucked the powerful business interests backing the proposal and “just said no.”
“I said thanks but no thanks on that Team to Nowhere,” said Palin. “If our state wanted a Team to Nowhere we’d all be packing our kids, guns and pelt-wear and heading to Georgia.” Most experts agree that the Falcons should consider themselves lucky that you can’t finish any place lower than last.
According to several sources who worked at the Governor’s mansion at the time, Palin was initially in favor of acquiring an NFL franchise, as she refused to believe that a city inaccessible by land — no roads connect Juneau to the rest of the North American highway system – would pose a hindrance to building a loyal fan base.
“Roads? Alaskans may be many things, but pussies we are not,” thundered Palin, according to a diary entry of one of the sources. “We’ll set aside parking for non-conventional off-road vehicles and provide food and warmth for dog-teams as they patiently await the game’s outcome. Alaska is ready for an NFL team and I’m sure many players will want to play in Juneau once they learn how many of our warm-blooded young women – and I do mean young – are eager to embrace them.
Since reports of Palin’s “bold stand” came out, it’s been learned that the NFL turned the bid down four months before Palin took office.
“We made the decision almost as soon as the proposal hit our desk and we were done laughing,” said a representative with the NFL’s League Office. “We’d sooner have an NFL franchise on an ice floe in the middle of the Arctic Ocean than have a team based in this godforsaken place. Juneau is not a place you play football – it’s a place you sentence Russian dissidents for hard labor.”
Palin publicist Liz Burton shrugged off the inconvenient sequence of events (Palin approving the team before deciding against it), and said that the important thing is she made the right decision. “Governor Palin has shown the courage and conviction it takes to lead. And the wisdom to realize that football in Alaska makes about as much sense as snowboarding in Phoenix. Or looking for an evening of entertainment in a hick burg like Juneau…where culture is what grows during the brief summer thaw.”
Alaskan football – where frozen tundra really means frozen tundra.
JUNEAU (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Some called it a bridge to the future. Others called it a bridge too far. Most called it an underground tunnel to an endless succession of losing seasons and snow-swept desolation as far as the eye can see.
Three months after she was elected Alaska’s governor, Sarah Palin publicly announced her opposition to a proposed NFL franchise that was to be based in the state capital of Juneau, population 30,711. The freshly minted governor bucked the powerful business interests backing the proposal and “just said no.”
“I said thanks but no thanks on that Team to Nowhere,” said Palin. “If our state wanted a Team to Nowhere we’d all be packing our kids, guns and pelt-wear and heading to Detroit.”
According to several sources who worked at the Governor’s mansion at the time, Palin was initially in favor of acquiring an NFL franchise, as she refused to believe that a city inaccessible by land — no roads connect Juneau to the rest of the North American highway system – would pose a hindrance to building a loyal fan base.
“Roads? Alaskans may be many things, but pussies we are not,” thundered Palin, according to a diary entry of one of the sources. “We’ll set aside parking for non-conventional off-road vehicles and provide food and warmth for dog-teams as they patiently await the game’s outcome. Alaska is ready for an NFL team and I’m sure many players will want to play in Juneau once they learn how many of our warm-blooded young women – and I do mean young – are eager to embrace them.”
Since reports of Palin’s “bold stand” came out, it’s been learned that the NFL turned the bid down four months before Palin took office.
“We made the decision almost as soon as the proposal hit our desk and we were done laughing,” said a representative with the NFL’s League Office. “We’d sooner have an NFL franchise on an ice floe in the middle of the Arctic Ocean than have a team based in this godforsaken place. Juneau is not a place you play football – it’s a place you sentence Russian dissidents for hard labor.”
Palin publicist Liz Burton shrugged off the inconvenient sequence of events (Palin approving the team before deciding against it), and said that the important thing is she made the right decision. “Governor Palin has shown the courage and conviction it takes to lead. And the wisdom to realize that football in Alaska makes about as much sense as snowboarding in Phoenix. Or looking for an evening of entertainment in a hick burg like Juneau…where culture is what grows during the brief summer thaw.”
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