Phillies’ Jimmy Rollins “Very Relieved” After Mistaking Gigantic Ego for Suspicious Tumor
PHILADELPHIA, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After consecutive World Series appearances and a contract extension, Philadelphia Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins planned on entering the 2010 season with great optimism. That is, until he looked in the mirror last Friday. That’s when Rollins discovered an unusual mass growing above his shoulders.
“It scared me to death,” the gregarious All-Star said. “It was odd looking with a strange hue to it. It was pulsating and seemed to have a mind of its own.”
Rollins didn’t speak with reporters, teammates, or even the team doctor upon discovering the mass, but instead rushed to Dr. Heracles Dimopolis, a specialist in nearby Upper Darby.
“I’ve seen this before,” said Dimopolis. “A player gets a big head after all that post-season celebrating and it spins out of control. It wasn’t a tumor at all, but his head expanding. Jimmy already has a rather prodigious ego. Add a World Series ring followed by a National League Championship, endorsement deals, and several post season bonuses to that, and you’ve got the making of an Orson Welles size head.”
Dimopolis decided that humility therapy might be in order to reduce the swelling.
“I find what works best is placing the player in 2009 reality-based situations,” he added. “Exposing him to the suffocating malaise the average middle class Philadelphian feels amidst the plummeting economic landscape with no horizon in sight just might do the trick. Also, waiting on line for a table at Le Bec Fin as opposed to let’s say being whisked in through the kitchen with two girls on his arm might knock some sense into him.”
Rollins was tremendously relieved the growth he discovered was benign, perhaps even metaphysical, but was hardly enamored with the therapy Dimopolis prescribed.
“This sucks. I ain’t me if I can’t be me. And being me is all about me,” Rollins quipped. “You can’t have other people being me. They can’t handle me.”
Dimopolis admitted Rollins may simply not be ready for humility therapy. “One must make a sacrifice spiritually and emotionally,” the 52 year old doctor concluded. “If the patient is unprepared for that, we can remove his head for a bit, and see how that works.”