Two-Legged Modesto Man Disqualified from One-Legged Ass-Kicking Contest



Protesters show solidarity with disqualified contestant by demonstrating two-legged ass-kicking technique.

SACRAMENTO, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Ralph Addison’s dream of competing in the 12th annual One-Legged Ass-Kicking Contest, held every year at the McLatchy Fairgrounds in Sacramento, California, was dashed this past weekend, when it was learned he possessed not one, but two legs, a clear violation of the event’s long-established bylaws. The disqualification sparked a huge outcry among Addison’s modest yet vocal contingent of supporters, three of whom were in attendance to protest the decision.

“It’s just unconscionable, Ralph trained for weeks, he was primed for the event and looked forward to competing,” said Ed Addison, Ralph’s older brother. “What kind of message does this send to the thousands of people who go through life with two legs? It’s an outrage and an injustice. If anyone needs their asses kicked it’s the small-minded jerks that didn’t let my brother compete. If not for the gout on my kicking foot, I’d be out there right now teeing me up some ass, you can believe that.”

Calvin Naismith, the organization’s first and only President and author of the event’s bylaws, stood by the ruling. “I understand Mr. Addison’s disappointment, but rules are rules. Moreover, it’s simply not fair to our athletes, who’ve trained year-round for the event. The ability to strike an ass measuring 18-24 inches across, and find your mark consistently over the course of some 3 hours, while having the balance and poise to remain upright, requires extraordinary athleticism and discipline. To introduce another leg changes the very nature of the competition. If you have two healthy legs and have the talent and stamina to apply it to asses of various sizes, shapes, some stationery, some moving, I’m sure there are competitions designed just for you.”

While the controversy rages on, few have thought to ask another involved party for their thoughts on the matter – the two dozen or so humans who annually volunteer their lightly-padded cabooses for the event.

“One leg, two legs, it doesn’t really matter – at the end of the day your butt’s gonna get hammered,” said Arnie Blitz. “I’ve been doing this the past four years and every year I need an extra cushion just to sit on the can. But it’s worth it.”

How so, we asked Blitz.

“I was in ‘Nam, my best buddy got his ass half shot off – literally. It really opened my eyes. You know when someone uses the expression ‘half-assed’ as in you just did a half-assed job? Well, it really pisses me off – they don’t realize they’re insulting the thousands of people going around with just half an ass. Maybe it was an industrial accident, a camping incident, or you somehow got clipped from behind…whatever. The bottom line is I’m just fortunate to have the big ole ass I was born with…and I’m blessed to be in the position to make it available, whether you’ve got one leg, two legs or three.”

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