Rolaids Now on MLB Banned List
NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Major League Baseball doesn’t want any eleventh hour surprises going into the 2010 season like Manny Ramirez and Alex Rodriguez provided the past couple of years with steroids. So naturally the MLB brain trust has decided to react by slipping into McCarthy-esque hysteria.
The commissioner’s office announced this morning it was banning Rolaids, the popular, over-the-counter stomach acid reducing tablets.
“Players get butterflies in the stomach before playing,” said Commissioner Bud Selig. “It’s a natural part of the game – that nervousness, anxiousness. Depriving a player of that experience would be cheating him and cheating the fans. Taking an antacid like Rolaids could provide relief to the churning stomach acids that can hamper a player’s performance. We just can’t have that. This is baseball. It’s not a pharmaceutical house. They’ll just have to suffer like everyone before them suffered.”
The move stunned even anti-steroid hardliners.
“It’s this kind of intemperate paranoia that can decorticate our freedoms,” said conservative talk radio host Barry Farber, who reached into the top drawer of his desk for a package of yet to be banned Tums. “I’m getting a duodenal ulcer just thinking about it. Before they point the boney finger of indignation at anyone, they should take a long, hard stare at their own inner perturbations and towering scantiness.”
The MLB offices did not announce if or when it plans on banning Tums, Maalox, or the seemingly endless array of alternative and/or generic brands of antacids and stomachache relieving products.
“I’m one nervous motherfucker whenever I pitch,” said Phillies hurler Joe Blanton speaking to no one in particular. “I’d like to see you try to figure out a pitch sequence when your facing Carlos Beltran and not have to once in a while lean on a brimming spoonful of Mylanta for support. Knowing it’s there gives me hope. And speaking of hope – I hope they don’t take it away.”
No word on how the ban will affect the Rolaids Relief Man Award.