IT’S OPENING DAY! Miami Marlins Mathematically Eliminated From 2016 Pennant Race

Causeway for Alarm. This Fish fan can’t take it anymore and jumps from the Venetian Causeway.

MIAMI (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – It began before spring training. The pessimism ran rampant not only among fans of the Miami Marlins, but the players themselves. Giancarlo Stanton, one of the lone bright spots on the club, sat at home and text messaged other members of the team telling them “feel free to show up of shape, it doesn’t matter anyway.” The power hitting outfielder then spent the afternoon repeatedly fouling pitches off his toe.

“We really blow monkey balls,” said outfielder Marcell Ozuna. “Have you checked out our bench? Have you ever heard of any of these guys? Peter “Fucking” Gammons hasn’t heard of any of these guys. We may has well put a guy named Rffebtrlysolkysng W. Mfthsrzxdrgbbtaw out there, because its no more confusing than who’s on the roster now.”

With utter bleakness permeating throughout the entire organization, Major League Baseball has acted in the best interest of the players, coaches, and especially the fans to officially declare the Marlins franchise mathematically eliminated from the 2016 pennant race. “Finally Rob Manfred has done something right, not to mention humane,” said manager, Don Mattingly. “At least the fans of this club can sit back and enjoy the circus. No expectations, no disappointments. Getting up in the morning and thinking about making out the lineup card curdles my belly.  These guys suck! It‘s gonna be one shitty year.”

Relief pitcher, David Phelps, said recently he’s just playing for the team until things work out at Burger King. “Yes, I’d rather be changing the oil in the French fryer than playing with guys like Rffebtrlysolkysng W. Mfthsrzxdrgbbtaw. Life is a bottomless abyss of pain and suffering.”

Fans of the team are split. Many have resigned themselves to the fact that the team is terrible, and say they can just enjoy a day at the ballpark. Others have reacted differently vowing to devour their own limbs. Perhaps catcher, Jeff Mathis put it best when he said, “It can only get worse.”

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