Rays Star Evan Longoria Gives Praise to Rael by Pointing to Crotch
TAMPA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Many major league players enjoy giving thanks by pointing skyward after hitting a homerun or scoring or stealing a base. This largely Neo-Christian token action has become nearly as accepted as the high five. However, a rising star on the American League East Division leading Tampa Bay Rays has put a wrinkle in the gesture. Third baseman Evan Longoria claims his recent interest in Raelianism is the reason for the odd gesticulation where upon crossing home plate, he points directly to his crotch – a tip of that hat (or unzipping of the fly) of sorts – to Raelianism’s liberal sexual views.
“As we all know, Rael is actually Claude Vorilhon, who had an extraterrestrial encounter in 1973 with a being called Yahweh, and immediately started Raelianism,” said Longoria. “And now because of this, I can have sex with as many perfectly legal eighteen year old women as I please.”
“Who am I to criticize a man’s religion, or in this case, sexual lifestyle,” said Rays manager Joe Maddon. “But I think he’s crossing the line when she shows up for workouts and prefers to shag girls than fly balls – with all due respect of course.”
Raelianism claims to have over 80,000 members in more than ninety countries, but other than Longoria, no other major league player practices the religion, which many experts agree is a cult that is being monitored closely.
“I have observed this cult from afar and even up close,” said Riley Witherspoon, Vice President of CultVision, a cult watchdog group. “I have been particularly interested in their sexual practices, especially the one where the women parade around in French maid outfits and remove the trousers of the male worshippers in some sort of right of passage while a steady dance beat is played on loudspeakers as the director’s cut of Spartacus is being shown on large screens. I’d actually like to get a couple more looks at that.”