Phillies First Team to Test Positive for Performance Reducing Drugs
PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Philadelphia Phillies who’ve appeared in three straight post-seasons and feared league wide for their offensive juggernaut have quickly become a shadow of their former selves in 2010.
Initially off to a hot start with many players among the league leaders in several offensive categories, the team has suddenly spiraled into a miasma of indifference and shoddy play fueled by an anemic, almost impotent run scoring capacity.
The reason for the rapid downward spiral was revealed yesterday when team officials had no choice but to suspend several players after they tested positive for performance reducing drugs.
“We regret to announce Jayson Werth, Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, and Raul Ibanez will all serve a fifty game suspension for the use of the performance reducing drug known as “The Cloudy” which significantly reduces a player’s skills,” said Phillies GM Ruben Amaro. “We’re still trying to determine who supplied them with the substance.”
Baseball insiders expect more names will be revealed in the days to come. It is believed more than fifty players have used “The Cloudy.”
Werth spoke with members of the Philadelphia media after his suspension was announced.
“I really was trying to just tone down my spectacular success from all of last year and this April,” he said. “Quite frankly everything was happening too fast for me. I couldn’t handle the success – the fame. I needed to dumb it down a bit. I thought “The Cloudy” would just take the edge off a bit, but now I flat out suck ass.”
Major League Baseball hasn’t announced whether they’ll will place an asterisk next to team’s 2010 statistics but did confirm that the Baltimore Orioles have not been accused of any wrong doing. “No,” said MLB Commissioner Bud Selig. “They just suck without anyone’s help.”