LeBron’s Exit Strategy Dangles Prospect of Return; Explores Possibility of Ending Career Playing for Ohio State
CLEVELAND, OH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — In 2003, LeBron James made a seamless transition from high school to the NBA, quickly fulfilling even the most extreme expectations. He averaged 20.9 points, 5.9 assists, and 5.5 rebounds per game and was named Rookie of the Year, becoming the youngest NBA player to ever receive the award. By the time LeBron’s career is over, chances are he’ll have accomplished just about everything one can accomplish on the hardwood – everything but playing Division I basketball and competing for a NCAA title.
As the basketball world anxiously awaits LeBron’s papal decision, the idea of playing college hoops is more than the fulfillment of a fantasy; it just might be the soft pr landing his team is looking for should the hometown product leave Cleveland. A reliable source insists that James is taking this idea “very seriously” and has tasked his legal advisors with exploring the possibility of his playing for Ohio State when his NBA career is over.
While a man in James’ position can manufacture just about any fantasy – and fast — playing for and matriculating at Ohio State University when his playing days are over is possibly beyond even his considerable means.
“We’d love to have LeBron, who even at the advanced age of 34 or 35 –depending on when he stopped playing — would still be a major force,” said OSU’s athletic director Gene Smith. “Unfortunately, as of right now the NCAA prohibits former professionals from playing at the collegiate level, but in ten years that could change, particularly if programs are hurting and players pledge large endowments for the privilege of suiting up. Most will be in their mid-30’s by then, so it’s not like we’re talking vintage LeBron or KG where it would be a totally unfair advantage. But I would make attending class a requirement as it sends a good message to the kids: just because you’re rich, famous and ridiculously privileged, you still have to turn in your term paper the same time as everyone else. And in the classroom there’s no working the refs: I don’t care if you’re Lebron or some walk-on from Winesburg, you’re gonna get called if you don’t know which of the two trains leaving the station gets there first.”
According to teammate Mo Williams, LeBron is not just looking forward to playing for Ohio State, he is also serious about completing a degree in business administration.
“By the time LeBron’s done playing, he’s going to be sitting on top of a billion dollar multinational corporation – he’ll want every bit of business savvy he can get. It’s one thing to amass all that money and have Warren Buffett on speed dial in case you need some quick business advice, but there’s no replacing the insights you get from textbooks and lecture halls. I’ve talked to a bunch of incredibly successful Harvard drop-outs who started billion dollar tech companies and hedge funds and they all say the same thing: if only I had ten more credits under my belt.”
While James has not publicly stated his intentions or desire to attend OSU after his playing days are over, it’s rumored he’s mulling a $5 million donation to the business school to underwrite a marketing study on maximizing sales of LeBron-branded merchandise. He also has a certified Stanley Kaplan SAT coach on retainer; LeBron plans to re-take the SATs in 10-12 years, just before applying to OSU.
“This has been an emotional roller-coaster, none of us can eat or sleep, I’m checking the blogs day and night, it’s just killing us,” said Nathan Hersch, a twenty-eight year old diehard Cavs fan. “If LeBron leaves do you really think it makes a damn difference if he comes back to play for OSU in ten years? It’s like the love of your life leaving you for another guy, then twenty years and forty pounds later she finds you on the Internet, apologizes and asks to see you again. Would you take her back? Fuck no!” Hersch fell into a brooding silence. “Then again, in ten years I might still be out of work, out of shape and clinically depressed. Forty extra pounds and wilted tits might actually look good.”
Tags: LeBron James