Super Agent Scott Boras Accused of Harvesting Ballplayer’s Testicles
NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Super Agent Scott Boras left a court hearing yesterday and refused to speak with reporters after he was accused of harvesting the testicles of the superstar baseball players he represents.
“That’s absolutely ludicrous,” barked T. Everett Harper, a member of Boras’ legal team. “Besides, he returned the testicles.”
Boras, considered the richest and toughest negotiator in sports, represents superstars like Prince Fielder and Mark Teixeira. It is not known whether Boras had possession of any of their testicles, but on Monday was caught fondling the underpants of Jonathan Papelbon.
“I’m not sure what we’re dealing with here,” said Claire Besecker of the Pro-Life Action League. “Perhaps we can save those testes and put them back in the scrotums of the people they originally belonged to, or any willing Catholic man. Personally, I’d like to get a closer look at them.”
Harvesting testicles is illegal in most states.
The theory behind the practice is to remove healthy testes that possess the desired DNA code, in this case that of talented baseball players, and use them to grow additional testicles and preserve the potential for high ceiling talent.
“It’s different than a sperm bank,” said Dr. Lawrence Gutterman. “Harvesting testicles can last centuries. It has been suggested that teams would even consider trading players for testicles – as the Oakland A’s nearly did month year when they suggested moving Coco Crisp for the balls of retired player Bo Jackson and some well preserved pubic hair.”
Boras is scheduled for a second court date on May 17, when he is expected to produce a vile of semen and the foreskin of Joey Votto.”