Competitive Cheerleading Not a Sport? F**k that Says Sparkles Botwinick, Leading Cheerleader Coach

Cheerleaders demonstrate core strength and pulse-racing athleticism.

PHOENIX (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) As reported by the Associated Press, competitive cheerleading is not an official sport that colleges can use to meet gender-equity requirements, a federal judge ruled Wednesday in ordering Quinnipiac University to keep its women’s volleyball team. Nationally renowned cheerleader coach Sparkles Botwinick begs to differ.

“Not a sport my ass,” snorted Botwinick, still a petite dynamo at 47 years old. “Cheerleading at the highest levels requires athleticism, conditioning, and the ability to execute under pressure.  You try doing a  2½ high pyramid into a twisting basket toss with 25,000 frothing at the mouth maniacs trying to get a peek under your skirt, then tell me it’s not a sport.”

During the interview, Botwinick was putting a class of grimly determined 14-16 year olds through their paces. Every summer, Botwinick runs an academy where cheerleaders from around the nation submit to two weeks of drills, training and competition  — all under the withering, all-seeing gaze of their demanding task-master.

“I can’t hear you, Menendez,” Botwinick bellowed, trying to bully more volume from 14 year old Betsy Menendez, a rail-thin sprite from Saddlebrook, New Jersey.

“Give me an A…!” shouted Menendez.

“Louder!” shouted Botwinick.

“Give me an A…!!” shouted Menendez.

“Louder!!!” shouted Botwinick.

Give me an A…!!!!!”  Menendez started to cough, unable to sustain the strain on her vocal chords.

“Ten laps Menendez. Duff, go in for Menendez. Girls, if you think you can get by on tits and ass you’re going to get your dicks handed to you. You’ve got to show ’em you got balls!”

Botwinick shared several stories illustrating the ferocity of the competition at the upper echelons of “the sport.”

“Some of these girls will stop at nothing to beat a rival squad.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that. When I was head cheerleader on my high school squad, I did some awful, awful things. What was the absolute worst thing I did? Well, I don’t know if it’s the worst, but giving head to the boyfriend of a rival head cheerleader days before the competition was always very effective.”

Botwinick insists that cheerleading is every bit a sport — arguably more so —  as  “bowling, golf and synchronized swimming.”

“You’re telling me that crap’s a sport? Please.  Hit a five iron with music pounding and strobe lights in your face, or try rolling a bowling ball coming out of a full pyramid, then talk to me.  Competitive cheerleading not a sport? I have one thing to say to that…girls, give me a F! Give me a U!…”

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