NFL Season Starts with a Bang Leaving 46 Dead, Scores Injured


For Whom the Bell Foles. Philly QB Nick Foles took his share of hits on Sunday.



PHILADELPHIA  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — While week one claimed its fair share of on-field casualties — most notably the concussion suffered by the entire front line of the Dallas Cowboys — viewers watching at home were hit particularly hard: 36 died instantly from massive coronaries, four were shot and killed during a halftime beer run, and six died in their sleep during lulls in the action. Thousands sustained injuries, ranging from brain aneurysms to minor muscle sprains.  


“For the passionate football fan, who is typically overweight and grossly out-of-shape, week one is a serious injury waiting to happen,” said Dr. Stuart Rothenberg, head cardiologist at St. Vincent’s Hospital in Minneapolis. “The build-up and anticipation, combined with the consumption of alcohol and junk food, on top of which you have the ever-present threat of domestic violence as wives and girlfriends are pushed to the side, intermittently dropping passive aggressive asides at the worst possible moments…well, it’s just a toxic, at times lethal, cocktail. Statistically, you have a better chance of avoiding injury — even death — on the football field.”
The NFL hopes to see a decline in the rise in brain concussions, which has already claimed several fans watching at home.

“Sandy was watching the Eagles game in the family room, he had a bunch of friends over to watch it in high def on our new 62 inch TV,” said Sandy Rose’s wife, 52-year old Cherry Hill, NJ resident, Miriam Rose. “The Jaguars were chasing Nick (Foles) out of the pocket when suddenly one of them lunged — it looked like he was going to crash right into our living room! What a picture! So crisp and lifelike!! We all kind of jumped; Sandy did too, but he fell backwards over the couch and hit his head on the tile floor. When he came to — he was out for ten minutes — we couldn’t bring ourselves to tell him that Nick tweaked his shoulder. Poor kid.” Miriam paused. “Sandy’s listed as day-t0-day, but we’re confident he’ll be ready for the the Colts next week.”


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