Shaq’s Career Found Intact at Bottom of Chilean Mine; It’s Alive
COPIAPO, CHILE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The positive and inspiring news from Chile that thirty three miners were found alive and subsequently rescued from a Chilean mine got even better this morning as rescuers produced what is believed to be the career of Shaquille O’Neal from a depth of 2,500 feet below the surface.
“I’m not even really into basketball,” said rescue worker Manuel Rivera. “But this is pretty cool. I’ve heard the great Shaq Diesel’s career has been in the proverbial shitter for at least four seasons. So, from what I’m told, this is a very unexpected and pleasant surprise.”
The career, being described as metaphysical phenomena strangely reminiscent of a plume of factory exhaust, was transported to the surface in a small capsule then immediately taken to the Universidad Tecnológica Metropolitana in Santiago, where scientists hope to slowly introduce it back to it’s natural host, Boston Celtics center, Shaquille O’Neal.
“We are concerned about Shaq’s body rejecting this thing,” said Dr. Luis Melendez. “It’s been existing on its own down here for so long, living on nocturnal, exoskeletal creatures and stagnant water, that it might need a ramp up time in adjusting to the rigors of the NBA. How it survived for so long, let alone got here is a mystery to us all. It’s almost like sports satire.”