Giants’ Closer Brian Wilson Admits Pitching Guys High and Tight Gives Him an Erection
SAN FRANCISCO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Fear the Beard. It is the battle cry – the mantra of sorts for wildly enthusiastic Giants fans. And the Beard is pitcher Brian Wilson, a closer brimming with talent and an oddball personality.
“Oddball personality?” chimed Texas Rangers outfielder Ian Kinsler after making the last out of Game One by flying out to right field. “That’s one way of putting it. The guy throws some serious cheese at my melon, and I’m looking at him, and he’s getting off right there on the mound with a big old, nasty, perverted smile on his face. Then he throws high and tight again, and now he’s got a stain on the front of his pants. Then he walks off the mound, roughs up a different baseball, and promptly gets me to fly out with something low and away. What the fuck is that? ”
Sports psychologist, Dr. Achilles Malavazos says Wilson actions are not without precedent.
“It happens in sports sometimes,” Malavazos said. “Need I remind you of the time Tom Seaver plunked Johnny Bench in the ribs with some inside heat? He had a clearly visible chubby well into the seventh inning.”
Wilson was unapologetic after the game.
“It’s the beard dude,” Wilson said staring into the camera exuding an affectation part Most Interesting Man in the World, part Charles Manson. “I get all crazy-eyed. The beard has a mind of its own. I am no more responsible for my actions under its spell than a newborn baby is for shitting itself. This is baseball. If blowing a load in my shorts gives me an advantage, then gosh dangit, I won’t stop until Mr. Bud Selig tells me to.”
Apparently his manager and teammates are urging him to gain some composure.
“Its a little out there,” said Giants left fielder Pat Burrell. “I mean, establishing the inner half of the plate is one thing, but running a batch in your underpants by tossing at a guy’s noggin is something entirely different – thank you very much. With all due respect to Brian, closers are fuckin’ weirdos.”