iPhone App Screens for Unwanted Images; Commissioners Stern and Goodell Hope it Keeps Fans From Receiving Surprise Packages
New app gongs the "Dong Show," forcing athletes to find new ways to charm the likes of Jenn Sterger.
PALO ALTO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A company out of Palo Alto called Eversoft has developed a pattern recognition application designed to keep unsuspecting computer or mobile phone users from being blind-sided by an email or text containing an unwelcome image. Like an athlete’s penis.
In recent months, there’s been an outbreak of “dong shots,” whereby an athlete (see Oden, Greg and Favre, Brett) sends unsolicited images of his privates to female “fans” — not all of whom turn out to be big fans of having a penis thrust in their face without so much as a hello. Eversoft’s app, called the Expunger (available at the Apple Store), has the ability to identify and intercept images attached to or embedded in a text or email depicting an exposed penis (or any body part you’d rather not find in your inbox, simply by tweaking the settings).
“If only that dang thing came out several weeks back, my client would have been spared the public humiliation,” said Bus Cook, Brett Favre’s agent. “It’s just a crying shame that a guy who’s on the fast track to the Hall of Fame, who’s left body parts on football fields across this country, will now be remembered for exposing himself as a Crocs wearer in a picture he sent to a former co-worker. I for one wouldn’t be caught dead wearing those things, but from the hue and cry you’d think an ill-advised choice in footwear is a well-hung, er, hanging offense.”
Jeremy Butts, a reserve linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens who admits to sending random dong shots to random “admirers,” welcomed the new Eversoft app.
“At first you’d send out a picture of your Johnson, you had to beat the chicks off with a stick — or, as in my case, with your Johnson. But when everyone started getting in on it — first players, then coaches and front office staff, it got harder and harder to make a dent. Too much comp. This new app will weed out the pretenders from the players. If you got game and know a hacker or two, you’ll get through. If your dick’s got the will, there’s a way. Thank you Eversoft.”
NBA Commissioner David Stern issued a brief statement earlier today. “We applaud Eversoft for developing an app that enables our female fans to check their email or text messages without being greeted — or, if you prefer, assaulted — by an NBA-caliber penis. It will also force our players to seek more conventional methods for charming the ladies, which isn’t such a bad thing.”
While Eversoft claims to be able to identify and intercept “unwanted” images 97% of the time, it has no ability to filter images that arrive though other channels, as evidenced by the gaggle of young women at a Portland club seen cowering in the lengthening shadow cast by Greg Oden’s prodigious appendage.