A TSD Classique: Sports Columnist Officially Runs Out of Ideas

“I’m tapped.” Alan Taylor has officially run out of ideas — and it ain’t pretty.

SACRAMENTO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Sacramento Bee veteran sports columnist Alan Taylor is being observed in a nearby hospital for what doctors are calling a very puzzling phenomenon. The award winning writer suddenly and inexplicably ran out of ideas shortly after arriving at work about 9:45 yesterday morning.

As he got off the elevator a co-worker said “good morning” to him, and there was no response. “Nothing! I couldn’t come up with anything,” Taylor said from his hospital bed. “Not ‘hey,’ ‘what’s up?’ or even ‘hola’ – Nothing! There have been times when I’ve responded incorrectly or in a detached or pre-occupied manner, like when someone says ‘hello’ and I say ‘not bad, and you?’ but this time, I had zero response. I froze, and then it got worse.”

Those who witnessed the 51 year old Taylor’s unusual behavior said he sat in front of his computer screen staring blankly. “We’ve all had writer’s block,” said Cory Middleton, who covers local sports for the paper. “But this wasn’t that. He appeared completely vapid. Then suddenly he got up on to his desk and called everyone over to make the startling announcement that he had officially run out of ideas. He then fell into a fetal position saying only he wanted to contemplate shrews.”

The bosses at the paper are not happy. “He’s under contract to give us unusual, and entertaining stories,” said Sports Editor Dennis Mulhern. “Like the time he wrote about following former (San Francisco) Giants second baseman Jeff Kent home after a game, and discovered he liked going through drive-thrus, ordering, then speeding away. But now we have to deal with this. And I don’t even know what this is.”

There is a very little documented evidence of writers or creative people in general completely running out of ideas, but it did happen on May 17th, 1978. Eye witness accounts state that a juggler in the Ukraine named Matviyko Koumanova stopped in mid juggle because he had simply exhausted his innumerable random juggling methods. An anvil, Japanese World War II era sword, basketball and bag of sunflower seeds came crashing down around him, scattering frightened onlookers.

Doctor Sanjy Pajeet who is leading the medical team observing Taylor stated: “It’s not uncommon for a man his age to experience a mid-life crisis. I suggested he may be overreacting and that a new Mazda Miata might cheer him up. Normally a writer of his stature would have a snappy retort to that kind of playful sarcasm, but he just sat there dribbling Fresca onto his San Jose Sharks jersey. So clearly we‘re dealing with something we haven‘t seen before. I mean the Miata line always kills ‘em.”

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