A TSD Classique: Tiger Woods Offered $10 Million to Perform High-Risk Circumcision

 

GREENWICH, CT (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — An unidentified Greenwich couple have circumvented standard channels to seek help in performing what is being described as an unusually delicate circumcision. The couple’s attorney reached out to golf superstar Tiger Woods, who is neither Jewish nor a licensed mohel in the state of Florida, his primary residence, to perform the ritual removal of their infant son’s foreskin. (A mohel is an observant Jew who has been trained in the relevant Jewish law and surgical techniques.)

“In this business you need nerves of steel and a steady hand,” said Arnold Tannenbaum, a licensed mohel. “Tiger’s long demonstrated ability to perform under pressure is remarkable. But try waving a knife over a bawling infant’s penis which doesn’t hold still for a second…then talk to me about pressure.”

Asked to define a “high risk” circumcision and if he’d ever been called to handle such a delicate procedure, Tannenbaum was initially dismissive: “Ask any parent whose kid is about to get his foreskin forcibly removed, and they’ll tell you little Timmy’s circumcision is a highly risky proposition.” Pressed further, he conceded that over the years he’d encountered “certain irregularities” that required special attention and skill.

“An exceptionally small penis can pose challenges, as can an unexpectedly large one. But the only situation I would call high-risk was the time I was asked to circumcise a 44 year old convert to Judaism. With most infants it’s zip zip. An adult penis is an entirely different animal…there were complications. Thankfully his penis remained mostly intact and we settled out of court.” Tannenbaum was also quick to point out the differences between “high-risk” and “high-stakes” circumcisions, the latter of which were the specialty of his twin brother Edward, both a mohel and professional gambler.

A statement was later issued on behalf of Woods, dismissing the idea as “ludicrous.”

“We appreciate the confidence this expresses in Tiger’s ability to come through in the clutch. But it’s inconceivable that Tiger would take on something so delicate without Stevie (Williams, his long-time caddy) at his side. As many of you know, he was traumatized at a young age upon witnessing the castration of a cow on his uncle’s ranch outside of Syndey. Ever since, Stevie faints at the sight of exposed male genitalia.”

Elijah Klein, a spokesman with the Jewish Circumcision Resource Center, an organization that opposes circumcision on religious and health grounds, objected to “the casual sanction and implicit endorsement of what is at core a barbaric rite…there is little awareness of the serious harm of circumcision.” Klein looked up briefly from his prepared statement, and paused as though intercepted by a stray thought. “I know I shouldn’t be saying this, but if I could afford to spend $10 million on my kid’s bris, and Tiger was available? To see the foreskin fly and Tiger give one of his trademark fist pumps? Are you kidding me? That’s a keeper – the image, not the foreskin, which, quite frankly, we can do without.”

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