Oakland Raiders Assure NFL League Office Al Davis is Still Dead

So Photogenic. Raiders owner Al Davis frightened school children for decades just by saying “hello.”

OAKLAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — He was the original maverick owner. His aggressive and often hostile business approach ruffled more than a few feathers. Apparently, over the past two seasons, there have been numerous Al Davis sightings, prompting certain higher ups in the NFL to speculate whether or not he’s still alive.

“We don’t know.” said Morton Sanderson, Raiders Director of Community Relations. “We tell anyone who asks that ‘Mr. Davis lives through his work’ But quiet frankly, we’re all really in the dark…which I should add parenthetically, Mr. Davis liked to lurk.”

Though Davis had his detractors, he was involved in worthy Bay Area community causes for decades.
One of his favorite activities was opening the door and giving candy to children at Halloween. Complaints from neighbors about trick or treaters turning to stone upon gazing upon his hideous face began surfacing almost two decades ago.

“I saw it,” said ‘Timmy,’ now a 28 year old man in the witness protection program and under a constant suicide watch. “I saw the face when I was nine. I immediately chewed on as many Bit O’ Honeys as I could stuff in my mouth with the intention of pulling all the teeth out of my head – a painful and bloody mess I’d hoped would distract me from the psychological horror of staring directly into his eyes. I was wrong. Trust me.  He’s still alive. Good God in heaven… he’s still alive!!!”

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