From TSD’s Archives: Dustin Johnson Removes Iron From Anal Canal After Royal Shafting
Ed. Note: The Sportsman’s Daily will return on January 3, 2011. Until then, please enjoy articles from our TSD Classique vaults. Happy Holidays.
SHEBOYGAN, WI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In what was one of the strangest penalties in the annals of professional golf, Dustin Johnson “grounded” himself right out of a possible PGA Championship on Sunday afternoon. The tournament was eventually won in a two way playoff with Germany’s Martin Kaymer defeating Bubba Watson.
Johnson grounded his iron in the sand of a bunker before hitting a shot – a clear penalty. However, Johnson, his caddy, and apparently thousands of members of the gallery, had no idea he was standing in a bunker. Not even the TV announcers knew at the time he was standing in a bunker. The course rules at Whistling Straights reference bunkers positioned outside the ropes and other irregularities. Translation: bunkers that don’t look like bunkers.
Though gracious after learning of the course rules, which he claimed he never reviewed, Johnson did produce a slippery iron from his swelled anus after the shafting by the rules committee.
“It was a brilliantly executed shafting,” said Johnson after removing the iron. “A dry, excruciating single thrust right up my asshole. Ultimately, it was quick and merciful and the rules committee guy who gave it to me said his sister’s husband is a proctologist – so I had that going for me. Still, I’ll be thinking about this one for a while. There was a bit of blood.”
Henry Stone, part of Johnson’s management team warned other golfers not to fall into the trap his boss did.
“Dustin is a great guy to work for and he handled it like a true professional,” said Stone. “But for Christ’s sake, if you’re a golfer, please read the rules. The consequences if you don’t could be hazardous – no pun intended. We don’t need a bunch of PGAers walking around with irons up their arses.”
Johnson said he hopes to be ready for the next tournament, but says he’d like to be alone for at least a week – to think about things. A lot of things.