After Startling Loss, LeBron James Inexplicably Acquires Swedish Accent
LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — The soap opera that is the life of LeBron James has taken another baffling turn. Miami Heat players and management are trying to determine how their newest superstar, LeBron James has suddenly taken on an almost total and nearly perfect Swedish accent. After suffering a rare 111-105 loss to the lowly Clippers Wednesday night in Los Angeles, the accent magically appeared.
“I’ve been around basketball for over forty years, and I’ve seen a lot,” said Heat GM Pat Riley. “But I have absolutely no explanation for this at all. What can I say? Uh, he did go shopping at IKEA once.”
But teammates insist Riley is misinformed and that James has become obsessed with the Swedish furniture chain spending hours rummaging through their small, but surprisingly well-stocked imported food area.
“Obsessed, yeah I’d say he’s obsessed,” said teammate Dwyane Wade. “My man bypasses the furniture and makes a bee-line straight for the black lumpfish caviar roe and triangle crisp bread. He’s completely freakin’ on the Kroppkakor.”
Teammate Chris Bosh has also noticed James’ bizarre and almost fanatical devotion to older Swedish cinema, particularly the classic Ingmar Bergman films of the 1950’s and 60’s.
“We all saw this coming. LeBron’s all up in that angst-ridden, God’s silence, chess game with death stuff,” lamented Bosh. “And it’s bringing us all down. I was at his crib the other night. He’s purged himself of all the elaborate trappings we’ve come to know, and replaced them with a cool, almost lifeless, Spartan décor – the random chair, the sturdy table, the box of mueselix. Let me just say though, for the record, the accent is spot on. But it’s filled with a foreboding, weltschmerz. It’s not the cutesy, playful Swedish stewardess porn voice we all grew up with. It’s real dark ass shit.”
“This may be Mr. James way of branching out as he longs to be a world citizen in the international city that Miami has become,” says Dr. Andrew Ferugio, a sports psychologist. “Rub elbows with Warren Buffet regularly like LeBron, and you might start conversing in a pseudo-Scandinavian accent too.”
James was cornered by Heat beat writer, Mike Vogel and asked about the loss.
“My heart is void,” said James, quoting almost directly from Bergman’s masterpiece, The Seventh Seal. “The void is a mirror. I see my face and feel loathing and horror. My indifference to men has shut me out. I live now in a world of ghosts, a prisoner in my dreams, and a disillusioning turnaround jumper. Damn, I can sure go for a Double Double animal style at IN N’ OUT Burger.”