Joe Namath “Guarantees” Jets Victory Over Patriots Moments After Jets Beat Patriots
Former Jets quarterback Joe Namath, pictured in a fur coat on sideline circa 1970.
FOXBOROUGH, Mass — (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Moments after the Jets’ shocking 28-21 upset over the Patriots 28-21, quarterback legend “Broadway” Joe Namath staggered into the victorious Jets locker room and startled the assembled press corps by loudly guaranteeing a Jets victory over the Patriots — the very game that had ended just five minutes before.
“The Jets will win this afternoon, I guarantee it,” slurred Broadway Joe, his left arm draped across Renata De Santos, a comely sideline reporter who works for a morning TV show out of Sao Paulo, Brazil called “Up.”“I got some more guarantees,” he continued, sizing up the Brazilian reporter he was now openly fondling, “but that’s between me and this lady over here, ain’t that right sweetheart? Come here, give Joe Willie a kiss.”
Attempting to plant a kiss on Ms. De Santos’ cheek, Namath misfired, his face landing between her large, shapely breasts. A furious De Santos slapped his face and kneed the quarterback legend in the groin. Namath, however, was unfazed and undeterred – it was later learned that the pain killers he takes to ease the effects of the tendonitis that ended his career renders him numb from the knees to the part in his hair. Demonstrating the quick release and fast reads he was known for in his playing days, Namath found his secondary “receiver” streaking across the locker room.
“Hey you there, sugar tits,” he barked to a young female reporter in a halter top and form-fitting jeans angling her mic to pick up Jets Coach Rex Ryan’s post-game comments. “How bout you, me and Joe Willie huddle up and put one in the end zone.”
Fearing an ugly “Mel Gibson moment” (which is actually a Joe Namath moment with “something extra”), Jets personnel director Steve George had Namath escorted from the locker room.
Two hours later Namath issued a statement. “I am deeply sorry for the pain and embarrassment caused by my ongoing battle with Percocet, Demerol, Vicodin, Darvocet and alcohol. Clearly, my previous attempts at rehab have been unsuccessful. At this point, the only answer is for me to avoid sidelines, locker rooms and broadcast booths. From this point forward I will limit myself to movie sets as I attempt to revitalize a movie career that was prematurely cut short due to bad scripts and even worse acting.”
Long time Namath watcher Howard Cosell could not be reached for comment.