From the Archives: Cheesehead Dies; Cholesterol Level Induces Massive Stroke
GREEN BAY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Cheesehead, the unofficial mascot of the Green Bay Packers, has died. He was 42.
Cheesehead inspired thousands of imitators to don headgear in the shape of a triangular hunk of swiss cheese, but in an effort to excite the Packers fan base, he ignored his familial predisposition to high cholesterol.
“Cheesehead refused to take his cholesterol-lowering medication. This led to a massive stroke yesterday evening.” said Dr. Henry Tosca of the Wisconsin Medical Center. “Given the fact that his head is made up entirely of artery-clogging cheese, its a miracle he didn’t pass on sooner, but still, we’re saddened by his apparent cavalier attitude toward his health.”
Cheesehead was born, Arnold Mueller, on October 13, 1969. His parents gave him up for adoption almost immediately when they discovered his cranium was made from cheese. Years later, the couple divorced when Cheesehead’s father Donald accused his mother of having an affair with the milkman.
“We really need to win the next one for Cheesehead,” said Sven Torgussen from nearby Oneida. Torgussen, along with many other cheeseheads were in mourning, and refused to remove their cheesehead headgear until after the season.
Cheesehead’s head will be sliced for ham and cheese sandwiches before his scheduled Friday burial and served during a memorial luncheon.