Pettitte Retires; Teammates Relieved; No More Inappropriate Locker Room Hi Jinx

Andy Did It Again. Pettitte moments after felling one of his teammates with a steamroller.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Long time New York Yankees pitcher Andy Pettitte, announced his retirement from baseball on Friday after establishing himself has one of the greatest post-season pitchers in history.

Pettitte’s announcement leaves the Yankees with a huge void in their already suspect pitching rotation. But most of his teammates breathed a sigh of relief they’ll no longer have to endure excruciating towel snaps, Ben-Gay enemas, and shit-stained underpants at the buffet table.

“Andy was a world class pitcher,” said former teammate Jason Giambi. “He was also a world class prankster. We were all targets of his incessant practical jokes – like the time he gave a hot foot to a rookie in spring training, then doused him with ethanol.”

Pettitte’s reputation for punking teammates was legendary and often got out of hand.

“He certainly had a flair for the disgusting,” said shortstop Derek Jeter. “Shitting in the bean dip was one of his favorites. Poor Don Zimmer loved Mexican food. You can imagine his surprise.”

Some players were concerned when General Manager Brian Cashman told reporters Pettitte would always be welcome in the Yankees locker room.

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