Xtina’s Botched Anthem Vocal Gymnastics Still Get a Ten from North Korean Judge; Packers Win Super Bowl
DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Christina Aguilera’s version of the National Anthem at the Super Bowl infuriated millions of people nationwide when she botched the lyrics and forgot one line entirely. Radio shows and message boards across the country were buzzing almost immediately. But as her vocal gymnastics routine continued, she apparently rebounded enough to satisfy Kwan Luck, the North Korean judge who gave her a perfect, yet highly controversial score of 10.
“Her vocal gymnastics were of the highest order,” Luck said through an interpreter. “The pan-global, stylistic bravura, the incessant ‘Whahahaha Ohohohoh’ tremolo-vibrato hybrid, and the pulling away from any semblance of melody so that the song became almost unrecognizable was world class, not to mention, flawless. The fact that she dropped a line and fucked up another, pardon my French, is really immaterial. What we’re talking about here is her ability to make the song about herself; to soar above and steal the spotlight from the largely forgotten, unappreciated, classically-trained, supporting musicians earning union scale. That’s entertainment.”
Shortly before Luck and her North Korean contingent left the stadium she added, “You capitalist dogs should consider yourselves lucky. This little sideshow will be bandied about for a week and then forgotten. Had she muffed the lyrics to Aegukka (North Korean National Anthem), she’d be dead already; the ruby red lipstick fully intact on her imperialist mouth. Now, can anyone point me in the direction of the nearest Whataburger?”
In a related story, the Green Bay Packers defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers 31-25 to win Super Bowl XLV.