FEATURE: Tiger’s Never-Ending Epic Fall from Grace to Include Vicious Beatings and Shooting Spree
ORLANDO (Special to TSD) Tiger Woods’ personal and career free fall continued last week in Dubai. In an on course performance that included salty language and launching a hocker in plain view of the TV cameras, the character many sports writers have called “Evil T” has once again emerged.
“The carefully choreographed Tiger Woods image we all knew and loved is dead,” said former handler Jason Barnes. “Like in professional wrestling, Woods has now been cast as the villain – and I don’t see him returning to his good guy ways for a long, long time. Make no mistake, this is genius marketing. Its scripted. Tiger is incredibly hard working. He reviews the scripts at night before bedtime, and again shortly after his morning work out. The spitting, the cursing, the whole affair thing – all scripted. The PGA loves this shit. Its a shame a few innocent golfers will have to die, but that’s life.”
Barnes is referring to some inside information he received revolving around Woods upcoming televised shooting spree set for sometime later this year.
“The way I hear it, he’ll march into the clubhouse after losing in sudden death and commit a little sudden death of his own,” Barnes quipped. “He’ll neatly tuck an automatic weapon in his gym bag and come out blasting. It’ll be coupled with a few well placed beatings he’ll administer with his five iron. All of this of course will be followed by the highly publicized trial, book deals, a movie contract, and a comeback where he’ll once again go back to his old ways with the million dollar smile and the relentless pursuit of Jack Nicklaus’ record for Majors.”
Barnes paused a moment before adding, “Of course I could be wrong.”