SPRING TRAINING: Mets’ Carlos Beltran Working on Entire New Set of Batter’s Box Quirks

Wank Fest 2011. Carlos Beltran contemplates new batting box routine during spring training.

PORT ST. LUCIE, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Mets outfielder Carlos Beltran is no different than almost every other Major Leaguer; he has his own set of batter’s box rituals between pitches.

Most fans are very familiar with a batter’s distinct style of preparing to make contact with the pitcher’s offering; spitting, crotch adjustment, neck tilts, flexing, praying, elbow pumping – the list seems endless.  But now Beltran is raising the bar.

“Well, the first thing I do is pleasure myself before each at bat,” the veteran outfielder said. “I generally think of Angelina Jolie, or, if there’s a hot babe in the Founder’s Section, I’ll think of her as I discreetly rub up against my bat in the on-deck circle.

Then, once I finish, I’ll recite lines from Caddyshack – but I translate them into Spanish, which makes it all that much funnier. Bill Murray in any language is a hoot.  After that, I stick my finger down my throat and force myself to vomit. It kind of puts the pitcher on edge and the umpire just wants to get through the at bat – so I usually get the calls in my favor.”

Mets fans are adjusting to the new routine.

“I wouldn’t exactly call it family friendly, but it’s innovative,” said 49 year old Mets fan, Jerry Cafferty of Queens. “He certainly looks more relaxed at the plate. Perhaps ‘relaxed’ isn’t accurate – ‘asleep’ is more like it – like he doesn’t have a care in the world.”

Despite the all the attention Beltran’s new set of rituals are getting, other Mets, as well as players around the league, are reluctant to change.

“Me? Naw…I doubt it,” said Washington Nationals third baseman Ryan Zimmerman. “I prefer a good old-fashioned crotch adjustment. I like to have my cock and balls exactly in the right place. I guess its just a Washington thing.”

Several prominent congressman confirmed it is a Washington thing.


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