Sportsman’s Daily Institutes Bold New Drug Policy; Employees Must Now Bring Their Own
BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A recent mandatory drug testing policy at the Sportsman’s Daily’s swanky penthouse offices in Boca Raton, Florida revealed that nearly everyone on staff was regularly using some sort of mind altering chemical assistance.
Company executives apparently looked the other way as staff creatives spent afternoons contemplating balls of yarn while luxuriating in a newfangled, 2.0 psychedelic xanadu.
“We’re talking about writers,” said TSD Editor-in Chief, Charles Epstein. “Naturally, in order to summon their inner William S. Burroughs-cum-Richard Hell, a long hit on the communal water bong depicting the busty likeness of a young Chrissy Evert is an occasional necessity. But the halcyon days of the company’s free flowing supply of weed, mushrooms, and blotter have sadly come to a screeching halt.”
Preston Littlefield, legal counsel for the satire conglomerate elaborated.
“From now on, everyone, including ‘moi’ will have to ‘roll their own’ would it were,” he said. “The economy still sucks and I’ll be dipped in shit if I’m dropping three large a week, and sneaking my briefcase full of pharmaceuticals past three separate security checkpoints just so these overpaid jagoffs can milk one last lame pathetic joke out of MIchael Vick and call it high art.”
Conrad Pfeister, TSD’s little used badminton correspondent told reporters he was beside himself – then realized he was looking into a mirror.