German Firm Now Majority Owner of Sportsman’s Daily; Richard Hell Takes Over Editorial Chores
BERLIN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Klumpscheisse, the Berlin based media conglomerate has purchased 62% of the iconic sports satire site, The Sportsman’s Daily.
“We’re thrilled to peacefully acquire the majority stake in this humor company,” said Klumpscheisse CEO Heinrich Deiffendorfer. “I can assure you nothing will change in Boca Raton. Nothing. Things will go on as normal. We make it our business to make sure everything stays the same.”
However TSD co-founders Charles Epstein and Tom Alexander disagree.
“I wouldn’t exactly say the transition was peaceful,” said Epstein. “They call it a transition. I think I can speak for Tom when I say it’s a hostile takeover. A bunch of emo set, art school dropouts with pale skin, dyed black hair, clothes pins through their nipples and jack boots come waltzing through the new, highly stylized Bauhaus decorated lobby who don’t know jack shit about satire let alone who the fuck LeBron James is.”
Both Epstein’s and Alexander’s roles have been reduced to that of consultants.
“I am a…consultant,” added Epstein, stealing a look over his shoulder, hoping no one was immediately downwind.
Punk fashion icon, musician, and writer, Richard Hell has been tabbed to take over all editorial duties. Hell, a titan during the punk rock era of the late 1970’s and early 1980’s will bring his angst ridden sensibility to the site.
“I’m looking forward to publishing my first story,” said Hell. “I expect to craft it, then throw it out, and start again. Our fans will have to be patient.”
“I’d like to wake up from this nightmare and find out the whole thing’s one big joke,” said Alexander.