A TSD Classique: Twelve Batboys Held for Possession of Performance Enhancing Drugs
MINNEAPOLIS, MN (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) –Barry Bonds isn’t the only one making steroids-related news.
Two seasons ago they began popping out of dugouts everywhere, the oversized heads, rippling biceps and barrel chests, their post-adolescent faces a moonscape of angry red acne. Suddenly, batboys were getting huge. HUGE! But few noticed.
Last summer, a batboy with the Minnesota Twins punched a hole in a wall and broke every light in the clubhouse with a vintage Tony Oliva bat – a textbook case of roid rage, but the story received little national coverage. With all attention focused on alleged player use of banned substances, batboys juiced under the radar, some swelling to Bunyan-esque proportions – many dwarfing the major leaguers they were paid to serve.
“Timmy Tanner was a skinny kid, an eager-beaver type,” said the Minnesota Twins’ All-star catcher Joe Mauer when asked to describe the former Twins batboy now under investigation. “Then one day I’m sitting in the clubhouse with a crossword puzzle, and I ask no one in particular, hey, what’s another word for anabolic steroid?”
A voice immediately boomed across the room: “Nandrolone decoanate!” It was Tanner, the freakishly massive youngster whose monstrous growth spurt went largely unnoticed in the daily hubbub of a long season.
“We just kept missing the signs. During rain delays he’d entertain us by breaking three bats at a time across his forearms. He kept the guys loose, everyone loved him, we didn’t delve.”
Without any seeming provocation, Tanner would unleash a frightening primal howl and perform crazed feats of strength, from uprooting the whirlpool in the clubhouse to attempting to lift the front end of the Twins fully loaded team bus.
“He started picking fights with players from other teams,” said Twins GM Bill Smith. “No one wanted any part of the kid – he was humongous. I once saw him chase a Venezuelan utility infielder from the field before a game in Texas.”
“We had a standing policy: don’t feed the batboys,” said Gene Banks, head of security at the Metrodome. “Fans sitting field level see them up close, they look like cute, clean cut kids, only much, much bigger. The natural inclination is to throw them a pretzel or a piece of a hot dog. Then, as they get closer, you just can’t help yourself, they’re like big awkward Pandas, clumsy and adorable – you must reach out and pet them. And that’s when the trouble starts.”
The twelve batboys who are being held are said to be cooperating with the ongoing investigation into illegal drug use. Others are expected to be named in the growing scandal. One batboy, speaking off the record, privately welcomed the crack down.
“It wasn’t just the pressure to get big that got out of hand. Imagine you just turned seventeen, you’ve got sex on the brain 24×7, your eyes are locked on the chick with the big hooters sitting in row 14, and you can’t even duck into a vacant locker between innings to whack off – the shit fucks up your plumbing. You got all this hormonal energy bottled up with nowhere to go and before you know it you’re in the stands wildly lunging at the first set of tits you can get your hands on. I’m just glad they’re clamping down before someone reaches for the wrong tits, i.e., ones with hair on ‘em, and gets hurt.”