Yankees Announce Advance Forfeit of Weekend Series by Red Sox

Loser. Self-loathing Red Sox fan Jerry O'Hanlon takes it all in stride.

BOSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Having seen their archrival begin the 2011 season with six losses and no victories, the New York Yankees announced late Thursday night that they have accepted a forfeit of the three-game weekend series in Boston, before the games have even been played.

“We talked about it on the plane after thumping Minnesota again,” Yankees manager Joe Girardi said.  “At first the boys on the team weren’t so sure, figuring it would be more fun to dominate them on the field as usual – followed of course by the ceremonial, candle lit, paddling in the locker room with the more than palpable homoerotic undertones – but after a few beers it became unanimous.”

Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman called the Red Sox main offices from the plane to convey the news.

“I tried to get through to Theo (Red Sox GM Theo Epstein).” Cashman said. “But the person who answered the phone couldn’t seem to explain why he wasn’t available – at least that’s what I thought he was saying through all that blubbering and wailing. For all I know it was Theo himself.”

Cashman conveyed the message to Red Sox Managing General Partner, John Henry.  “He responded by saying, ‘The dollar is up against the yen, and Liverpool will kick your ass, Yank!’  He seemed to be more than a little confused, what with his many business interests.” Cashman added.

“Why even bother pretending the Sox can match us?” Yankee captain Derek Jeter said. “If they want to lay down and die, we will be happy to take the forfeits, graciously — and with all due respect…blah, blah, blah…and the rest of that happy horseshit!”

The decision gives Yankees players an unexpected free weekend in Beantown.

“I always enjoy walking around Boston, eating great seafood, and stiffing the waitress. Now we’ll have even more time for it,” Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez said.  “They have some great strip clubs too. Granted, most of the girls have big broad shoulders, asses like ten year old boys, and more facial hair than the Most Interesting Man in the World, but the occasional hottie sneaks through the cracks.”

No one from the Red Sox organization was available for comment.  However, an intern who answered the phone at Fenway Park said, “Hey, I’m only an intern.  And yes, we do suck.”

When reached for comment, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig said, ‘We never interfere in matters between our clubs.  If the Yankees say the weekend series is a forfeit, that’s good enough for me. And Yes, the Sox do suck.”

 

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