A-Rod Promises To Hit Home Run for Perfectly Healthy, Rich Kid

Yard Work. H. Prescott Kent lunching on his fabulously sprawling estate in Southampton with his Aunt Carolyn. They're celebrating Prescott's good news that a famous Latin athlete will "go yard" just for him.

LONG ISLAND, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Just days before his twenty-first birthday, H. Prescott Kent of the Southampton, New York Kents, learned he’d be receiving an unusual present. Slugger Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees announced he would hit a homerun for the young, cultivated eligible bachelor. Kent says he’s not a baseball fan, but may look in on the proceedings in a game scheduled against the Toronto Blue Jays next weekend. “It’s nice of Mr. Rod to do whatever he’s going to do for me,” Kent said. “If I’m so inclined, I may take in the game live or watch it in Daddy’s study.”

Rodriguez was recruited by the Make-a-Wish Foundation to hit a homerun much like Babe Ruth allegedly did over seventy-five years ago for a young, dying boy in a hospital. This time that ailing child is Nicky “Ten Fingers” Santucci who is the only survivor of a row house fire in Net Cong, New Jersey that killed his entire family. But Rodriguez felt wasting an athletic achievement like a homerun on a kid who’s probably too sick to appreciate it in the first place probably isn’t worth doing.

A-Rod said, “I’d rather do it for someone with the financial solvency to really value the feat, perhaps even share it with some rich neighbors. Besides, I hear the kid ain’t gonna make it anyhow. But he keeps sending me letters all the time written in crayon. His spelling is atrocious. I hope this doesn’t make me sound like a dick, but I just wish he’d just shut up and get better – or die. Either way, just get it done.”

Kent’s aunt, Carolyn Ashton-Bates said, “I understand this whole thing came about because years ago some fellow named Babe Ruth hit a homerun for a young, sickly boy in the hospital. How positively winning. But that was many years ago. We can’t go building up the hopes of a prepubescent burn victim now can we? Suppose Mr. Rodriguez fails in his quest. That might send little what’s-his-name over the edge. Prescott’s just more able to handle a disappointment like that in everyway – emotionally, intellectually, physically, and financially.

Real Estate mogul Carter Forsythe, a neighbor of the Kents looks forward to watching the event. “Young Prescott’s so sporting just like his father Dalton,” the billionaire said sipping one-hundred year old brandy as he gazed out over a slightly choppy Atlantic Ocean. “But I must leave you now as I don’t care much for reporters. But let me say for the record, I hope that little kid turns a corner soon.”

Neither the Kents nor the Forsythes plan on meeting Rodriguez personally.

 

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