NBA FINALS: Guy With “Same Life That (He) Had” Wakes Up and Asks LeBron for a Loan
MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Miami Heat star LeBron James, who after last night’s loss to the Dallas Mavericks in the NBA Finals infamously spouted, “All the people that were rooting on me to fail – at the end of the day – they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today. They have the same personal problems they had today” was apparently right as Lester Bannister, 39, of Miami Gardens, Florida woke up at 5:30 AM and realized his life totally sucks.
“I’m between gigs, with three kids, and have a wife who cheats on me,” lamented the unemployed civil engineer and relocated New York Knicks fan. “Goddamn I wish I was LeBron with his perfect life. Help me LeBron. Please, help me. I won’t be bustin’ on your ringless ass anymore. I promise.”
Bannister then cornered James in all-star forward’s driveway.
“I told him I needed some cash,” added Bannister. “He didn’t give me a penny, but did give me the distinction and high honor of schooling me in a game of horse. Then he sent me on my merry way, back to a life that’s now actually worse than when I woke up, as I learned my car’s been repossessed. This guy’s a freekin’ prophet and I truly appreciate the life lesson he taught me; Some people are destined for greatness, or at least something mildly resembling greatness, and others must wallow in a life filled with anguish and mundaneness, sickness and suffering. I’m just so happy I learned that before I die.”
LeBron is expected to collect his bi-monthly check (endorsements included) for a sum of 1.6 million dollars, while Bannister will enjoy a second helping of imitation crab legs at the $7.99 all-you-can eat bar at Joey’s Clam House.