NHL to Play 2011-2012 Season at Half Speed So TV Viewers Can Follow Game More Easily

Slowin' it Down. NHL games will have a more glacial place next season.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Professional hockey is arguably the most thrill-packed spectator sport when viewed live, especially when seated near the action. Conversely, it has frustrated many fans who prefer to watch at home on television.

“The game’s way too fast for TV,” said Jake Winthrop, a manure salesman from Buffalo, New York. “I’m glad they’re slowing things down. Hell, I can’t follow that damn puck half the time.”

Interesting choice of words – “half the time” – because that’s exactly what the NHL intends to do as they will play the entire 2011-2012 season at half speed.

“That’s freekin’ sweet,” Winthrop added. “Of course scoring will go down league wide, but now I can kick back, blow the foam off a few cold ones, follow the action, and not feel like I’m recovering from a stroke for Christ’s sake. You get these bastards buzzing around the net and your don’t know who the hell has the puck. Not anymore.”

After numerous attempts to make hockey more watchable on TV, the NHL finally believes they’ve got a plan that will work. In 1994, FOX Sports thought they’d solved the problem when they created the glow puck which allowed viewers to track the disc electronically. Ultimately, the glow puck, or FoxTrax as it was called at the time, proved to be unpopular, especially with Canadian fans, as well as a select group of NRA members suffering from cabin fever.

“Damn puck had that red trail following it all over creation,” said Lee Dimler, 49, of Orr, Minnesota. “I didn’t want to wipe out my whole family with a shotgun and an ice pick, FoxTrax made me do it. It’s mighty fine they’re gonna slow the game up now though. Mighty fine. Granted, it’s a little late for my wife and eleven kids, but somewhere I know they’re rootin’ for the Wild.”

Dimler remains in hiding, but communicates through ham radio.


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