A-Rod’s Massage Parlor Encounter Culminates with Mediocre Ending
NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – New York Yankee star Alex Rodriguez, no stranger to making news for his off-field behavior, has done it again. This time its not as a result of his entanglement with aging pop stars, but for the stunning details of his repeat visits to Madame Force, a little known Queens-based massage therapist, now known as the Tri-State Area’s undisputed champion of “Mediocre Endings.”
Sources inside the Yankees clubhouse are not commenting, but several of his teammates, disgusted with his inability to hit in the clutch and his reputation for diminishing the club’s monstrous payroll, are coming forward to throw their highly visible peer under the proverbial bus, telling a tale of Sartre-like sadness, 70′s arena-rock-band excess, and Bergman-esque depression.
Historical accounts take the story’s beginnings to the several seasons ago. Former center fielder and jazz buff Bernie Williams was the first to both experience the now storied work of Madame Force.
“She would blow my mind,” said the once classy Williams. “She used a homemade concoction – a lotion that she insisted smelled like sandalwood, but ended up smelling like macaroni and cheese.”
Williams visited Force on at least twelve occasions, succeeding wonderfully in the receipt of a deep-tissue therapeutic massage, but consistently came up horribly short when expecting the “happy ending.” “She knew who I was, so it might have scared her. So I had her practice between visits on a replica of the famous Mickey Mantle 1966 Bat Day souvenir. Poor thing got splinters every time,” Williams recalled, wistfully. “Still, she could never pull it off – so to speak.”
Other Yankees followed Williams to Madame Force’s Queen’s parlor, located above a karate dojo, which, according to several clients, was somewhat distracting. Just prior to Rodriguez’ first visit, little known Seattle Mariners’ clubhouse assistant manager Thanasis Alexopoulos was seen running from the parlor, clothed only from the waist up, clutching what several witnesses claimed was a bow from a violin, or some kind of similar instrument.
“It looked like a stick with all of that crazy frizzy hair all up on it,” eyewitness A. Bill Vojtko said. “You know, from a field violin or something.” The bow and Alexopoulos were never found – Which set the stage for the shocking revelations about Rodriguez.
In an exclusive interview with green-belt Ko Sutemi Harold Katz, Rodriguez would sneak up the building’s rear fire escape several times a month for sessions with Force. Katz saw the Yankee slugger, dressed in an odd re-working of his Yankee pinstripes (done in all black, with white piping and unknown markings), struggling with the fire escape on four occasions in the last month.
“It was odd – he has world class athletic grace on the filed, but he couldn’t jump to save his life,” Katz would repeat during his interview.
Paul O’Neill, a former Yankee just before Rodriguez’ tenure with the Bronx-based ballclub, told perhaps the strangest tale of Madame Force’s tragic inabilities.
“She couldn’t finish worth a damn,” the retired slugger lamented. “Every instinct she had was wrong. Get this – instead of new age music playing in the background, she employed a sorrowful cellist, who wore all black, and whose face was done up in clown paint – a black tear painted just below the left eye. She or he – couldn’t tell – cried the entire forty-five minutes Madame Force worked on me.”
Bernie Williams corroborated this account, but added a musical note. “She played one note over and over and over again. Sister didn’t know how to play the thing,” Williams recalled. “She would scrape that bow over one string for the whole hour. After about forty minutes, it sounded like a trance.”
Others would say that the mesmerizing cello drone would make Force’s inability to “finalize the transaction” particularly frustrating.
Perhaps it’s former Yankee coach Don Zimmer who put it best saying, “The closest anyone ever came to blowing a nut over there was spilling a mocha latte on his shorts.”