From the Archives: Roger Goodell Takes Part in Helmet to Helmet Hit Experiment; Results Conclusive


Roger and Who? NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s helmet to helmet hit experiment was successful. Here he’s shown contemplating who he is.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s crackdown on dangerous helmet to helmet hits, has gone a step further. After a few questionable incidents occurred in last night’s Dallas Cowboys 18-16 victory over the Washington Redskins, Goodell decided to don a helmet himself in order to demonstrate the seriousness of such contact.

Goodell placed the helmet over his head and was met full force head to head by former NFL linebacker, Derrick Brooks, who gladly obliged.

A prayer circle was formed around Goodell who regained consciousness two hours later. He addressed the media shortly thereafter.

“As you can see, I took a direct hit to my cranium,” said Goodell, a odd smile crossing his face. “And right now I’d like to say this – Little Jack Horner, Sat in a Corner, Eating a Christmas Pie. Jack had just been diagnosed with diabetes and just wanted to end it all.”

With that, the befuddled commissioner skipped out of the room and collapsed in the hallway adding, “I hope I’ve made my point. Thanks for everything. But I really should be getting back to Neptune now.”

“I’m afraid the ill effects of the savage hit Mr. Goodell endured will be permanent,” said neurosurgeon, Dr. Charles Slavish. “The NFL isn’t out to change the game. They just want to make it a little safer against possible paralyzation, and brain damage. Mr. Goodell took one for the team today in a selfless act of supreme sacrifice.  And, as you can see, he’s been reduced to babbling, spineless dolt. If there’s a silver lining to all this, it’s that Bud Selig now has someone he can relate to on a personal level.”


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