Lions Coach Cries Like Pussy After “Too Hard” Handshake
Excited by his team’s 25-19 victory, San Francisco 49ers Head Coach Jim Harbaugh met Schwartz at midfield for the traditional handshake, but “overtaken by exuberance” Harbaugh slapped his hand into Schwartz’s, then slapped Schwartz in the back. The two actions caused tears to flow from Schwartz’s face.
“I couldn’t believe he would shake my hand so hard like that,” Schwartz said. “All I could do was cry like a little girl in an ABC After School Special, if I may make such a dated reference. He’s such a big, strong man.”
Schwartz ran after Harbaugh, giving him a chest bump and trying to start a fight in the middle of the field.
“Jim robbed me of my dignity by showing the world how weak I am,” Schwartz said. “I had to run after him and try to make it look like I wanted to fight. He scares me, so I probably would have run the other way if he had stopped to fight me, but I had to try to make it look good for my players. I couldn’t let them see me for the scared little Nancy boy I really am.”
“Yeah…That’s totally on me,” Harbaugh said, taking responsibility. “I shook his hand too hard. I didn’t expect him to be such a pussy about it, though. This is the NFL, man up.”
For his part Harbaugh was pleased with the victory and had no apology for Schwartz.
“It fires me up a lot,” Harbaugh added. “If that offends you or anybody else, then so be it. I guess I’m stronger than the guy in so many ways, but I was shocked when I saw the tears,” Harbaugh said. “What kind of little girl cries after someone shakes his hand?”
In an ironic twist, Samara Morgan, the evil little girl from the motion picture The Ring showed up in the locker room and used her mind to make Harbaugh see the outcome of their next game where Brown’s Head Coach Pat Shurmur celebrates his victory over Harbaugh with a rectal probe.