From the Archives: T&A on Ice: NHL to Bring Cheerleading on Par with NFL and NBA

 

The Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders in formation. Now just imagine them on ice with a splash of rum, a twist here, a pinch there, and gently spanked.

NEW YORK, NY (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — If you’re over the age of 21 and can do a triple cartwheel on ice skates followed by a triple lutz and stick your landing – all while keeping your pom poms aloft — address your resume to the Florida Panthers, attention Sparkles Botwinick. The modest uptick in Stanley Cup viewership has emboldened NFL Commissioner Gary Bettman to add new bells and whistles to the “product,” beginning with a push to upgrade cheerleading squads around the league.

“For years we tried increasing the level of graphic violence, from having goalies go without masks long after the technology was available to making sure every team had at least one thug capable of turning a ten foot radius of ice into a patch of freshly chilled blood,” said Bettman during a news conference where he made the announcement. “Fans across North America couldn’t get enough of it, but today we’re competing with the NBA and NFL for a share of the global entertainment dollar. While some NHL teams have put some quality T&A on ice, it’s clear we need to upgrade the product league-wide to compete with the more established NBA and NFL cheerleading squads.”

Hugh Backman, marketing consultant and author of the bestseller, “How Good Marketing Can Sell Even the Worst Shit,” insists that the NHL do more to leverage its inherent assets. “The NHL has a built in advantage they’d do well to exploit, what we in the business call FNV, or female nipple visibility. The girls come out, the rinks are cold, it’s perfectly acceptable – expected even – that their nipples visibly and suggestively strain at their skin-tight Danskin tops. A little tweaking could go a long way — drop arena temperatures by five degrees and fans will like what they see. Heck, I’m not a big hockey fan and even I’d come out and give it a look-see.”

Former New York Knicks City Dancer and nationally sought-after cheerleading coach Sparkles Botwinick was engaged by the Panthers PR department to upgrade their existing squad and hold open calls for a new infusion of on-ice cheerleading talent. “Golly, the girls we’ve auditioned are just so, so talented! We are very excited, the fans will just love it, you just watch! Though I do want to apologize to the McGuire sisters, Beverly Jones and Monica Applewight for thoughtlessly insisting they end their routine with a classic liberty lift and hold into a full pyramid. I guess you can push things only so far — certain stunts and formations are not designed to be performed with skates. When the gashes on their backs, hands and forearms heal, we’d just love to have the girls back, hopefully in time for next year’s tryouts.”

The thought of lithe, long-maned, prominently be-nippled ice nymphs streaked with blood excited the easily excitable Hugh Backman. “In time I can envision girls throwing off the gloves and going at it, vintage Dave Schultz-Clark Gilles, but with tits. And lovely protruding nipples. If Bettman really wants to upgrade, he’d put that high up on his to-do list.”

 

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