A TSD Classique: Kobe Bryant to Have Arrogance Surgically Removed
Tricky Procedure Could Leave Him Dull
LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)— At the request of teammates and handlers, Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant has opted to undergo a controversial and potentially career-threatening operation which will remove his arrogance.
“This is going to be delicate,” said Dr. Matthew Grant, chief surgeon at Cedars Sinai. “We’re concerned that even under anesthesia, Mr. Bryant’s arrogance can effectively alienate the surgical unit. This of course could lead us to dealing with everything from apathy to in-fighting to an incessant onslaught of hopelessness. However, we’re very seriously entertaining the notion of having three members of the selfless, ‘team-first’ oriented San Antonio Spurs, and a circus clown present while the operation is underway – just in case some of us get ‘too bummed out.’”
“I just pray as we’re wheeling him into the O.R. I don’t catch a glimpse of that condescending combination ‘nose in the air-superior smirk’ thing he does after faking a defender out of his shoes en route to his forty-third point of the evening,” said surgical nurse Tara Benson. “If you’ve seen the look, and I know you have, I think you know how chilling it can be.”
Bryant, who as recently as last month said he’d never go forward with the procedure, surprisingly hinted he’s been considering it. “I’m getting older,” said Bryant. “I’m still brilliant, highly marketable, and have my best years ahead of me. I also happen to be the center of the basketball universe and speak fluent Italian which works wonders in restaurants and at foreign film festivals. But always having to remind people of that is starting to get a bit taxing. Even I have to admit, when everyone and his brother is trying to get a quote from you because you just dropped sixty, constantly referring to yourself in the third person gets confusing. So maybe this little operation will eliminate that. You know — so Kobe can just focus on Kobe.”
Bryant does run the risk of hampering his Hall of Fame bound career. “He’ll still possess all the physical attributes he had going into the operation,” added Grant. “He’ll suffer zero physical side effects, but it’s the emotional side we’ll have to watch. Typically when arrogance is removed, the patient does tend get a bit dull. Dullness in itself isn’t too dangerous to let’s say…the overly cocky radio host for example, who in his newfound dullness can always get steady work at NPR. However, in the hands of a formerly self-important, but still highly skilled baller like Mr. Bryant, dullness can translate into post game quotes rife with clichés, a loss of endorsements, and God forbid, simple open court lay ups.”