An Instant Classique: Evil Clown Can’t Understand Why He Got Passed Over as Reds New Mascot
Former Circus Standout Inflicted Psychological Scars on Thousands
CINCINNATI (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — He’s terrorized and psychologically scared countless children and adults alike over a storied twenty year career, but Cletus Haskins also known as Zippers the Evil Clown is mystified as to why he wasn’t selected as the Cincinnati Reds new mascot for the upcoming 2017 season.
“Ken Griffey Jr. was injured all the fucking time and got millions from this ball club,” Zippers said. “But I on the other hand have been working the streets near this park and before it Riverfront for every home game since 1987, and they don’t give me as much as a fucking courtesy call for a measly $42,000 gig?!! They’ll rue the day they made this decision. They’ll rue the day!”
Some current players noticed Zippers cornering people outside Great American Ball Park then turning his head completely around while laughing maniacally and crying tears of blood as demonic calliope plays on a nearby sound system. “What a train wreck this dude is. I’m not sure I appreciate his form of performance art,” a player who asked not to be named said. “We all appreciate an evil clown once in a while, but Zippers doesn’t mix with baseball. He needs to grow up for Christ’s sake!”
Last season, Zippers chased down two German tourists and ripped into their digestive tracts and ate their innards in broad daylight as a group of Cub Scouts were getting off a bus excited to see their first game. “That was one bad day,” said Leo Cawley, the scouts’ den father. “The boys saw some pretty gruesome stuff.” Fortunately Cub Scouts, much like their older brethren the Boy Scouts, always come prepared.
Eight year old Tyler Davenport invoked an old 9th century Druid exorcism ritual taken directly from Tain bo Cuailnge, originally uttered by Cathbad, the chief Druid at the court of Conchobar. “Thank Medb, Queen of Connacht we were in an Ulster Cycle or Zippers would have really had a field day,” said the young scout. “Fortunately, I made him disappear for a few hours, and we all got to eat our hotdogs and watch the game in relative quiet.”
Zippers vows to plot his revenge on the Queen City and its beloved Reds. “I’ll be back with a big old surprise for these bastards. Or, of course I might just see if the Marlins need a new mascot. I really gotta move south anyway. These cold early April games are bitch for my arthritis.”