Flyers Hope to End Goalie Dilemma By Signing Jason Voorhees

Shave by Voorhees! Flyers goalie situation is a bloody mess.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Philadelphia Flyers expected to have their longtime goalie issues cleared up at the outset of the season when they inked high priced net minder, Ilya Bryzgalov. It’s hasn’t worked out so well as his glaring inconsistency and oddball pre and post game comments have proved irksome for the Flyers. The alternative, Sergei Bobrovsky, hasn’t been much better. So yesterday Flyers General Manager, Paul Holmgren announced the team has signed the goalie mask wearing fictional mass murderer, Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13th movie franchise.

“Jason’s a pro and has a track record.” said Holmgren. “I don’t know too many guys who are gonna want to get too close to the net for a shot. You’re gonna see a few attempts from fifteen or twenty feet away, but that’s it.”

Eleven minor leaguers were killed in a practice has they inched too close to the machete swinging goalie. The team hopes to have the blood-stained ice cleaned up in time for Tuesday’s game against the Minnesota Wild.

“His Gatorade® bottle is filled with the tears of his teammates.” added Holmgren.  “The Broad Street Bullies are back.”


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