Local Man Has No Alternative But to Spend Time With Family During First Football-less Weekend
LARKSVILLE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Stanley Hotko, 44, woke up Monday morning to the startling realization there will be no professional football of any kind to be viewed on his 52” widescreen this coming weekend. Due to heavy snow, school was cancelled Monday. The Larksville, Pennsylvania man struggled throughout a pancakes and sausage breakfast at local eatery Ollie’s® barely making eye contact with his wife Doreen (Polachek) 42, daughter Kaitlyn, 17, son Bradley, 14, and son, Conner, 9. Fortunately, Hotko enjoyed a respite from the overwhelming awkwardness as both Kaitlyn and Bradley were engaged in marathon texting sessions with friends, Alyssa Murdoch and Tyler Slavish, respectively.
Hotko tried to interact with his youngest child, screwing up the courage only after his second cup of coffee and a moment to steal away to the parking lot for a cigarette. Upon returning to the booth, the elder Hotko managed to murmur a cursory “how’s school?” “OK,” came young Conner’s response. Almost immediately, Hotko said to his family, “let’s go.”
As the afternoon dragged on, Hotko could feel his sense of purpose slipping away. Daughter Kaitlyn was soon joined by friends, Mackenzie Swaboski and Nicole Monk, who announced they’d be watching the Grammys® on Sunday which they did, then started dancing to Nicki Minaj. The uncomfortableness was palpable, but Hotko hung back a moment to watch Monk pulsating to the rhythms of Minaj’s Your Love, because as he would later say, “she’s legal and kinda hot.”
Moments later, Hotko asked wife Doreen what was in cooking in the pot, while peeking under the lid simultaneously. He was disappointed to learn she was merely canning peaches. He attempted to join older son Bradley and two unidentified friends for a quick two on two basketball game in the driveway. Suddenly, the clouds of Hotko’s hellish abyss parted when friend from work, Frank Liscavage, 52, showed up with blu-rays of The Shawshank Redemption and Caddyshack, a case of Genesee 12 Horse Ale and three dozen wings, immediately relieving him of his duties of spending meaningful time with his family.