Four Out of Five Doctors Agree Reggie is Still an Asshole
NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Hall of Fame slugger Reggie Jackson may have mellowed over the years, but it seems the overall personality traits that often infuriated managers, fans, opponents and teammates alike remain firmly intact.
“I feel like if I know a fastball is coming, I can still jack one out of the yard,” said the 66 year old Jackson. “That’s a nice feeling to have. Its also a nice feeling to know that I can bewilder most pea brained homunculi with my near genius 149 IQ, witty repartie, still dashing good looks, and life-of-the-party magnetism. But be rest assured that should my sole recourse be rolling around in the intellectual mud, I can motherfuck someone up and down with the best of them.”
“Yep, he’s still an asshole,” said former Yankees teammate Craig Nettles. “That’s Reggie talking.”
Jackson rubbed many people the wrong way during his entire baseball career, which included stints with the A’s, Orioles, Yankees and Angels. After observing six hours of video footage of Jackson recorded between 2006 and early this year, the Mind Group, an independent organization of psychiatrists and sociologists have largely agreed that Jackson hasn’t changed much since his playing days and should indeed be categorized as an asshole.
“Along with Drs. (Robert) Rothstein, (Constantinos) Tsoutsouplides, and (Ashok) Chinmoy, I firmly believe Mr. Jackson has fully retained all the characteristics that classify him as a pugnacious, insufferable prick – with all due respect,” said Dr. Conrad Seagrave-Daley. “We see very little change since his May 5, 1974 clubhouse fight with (Oakland A’s teammate) Billy North. However, our esteemed colleague Dr. (Clifford) Lawrence disagrees and finds him delightful and enchanting. For the record, we find Dr. Lawrence a pugnacious, insufferable prick as well.”
Jackson’s self-penned one man play, The Magnitude of Me is set to open in New York this October. Rothstein, Tsoutsouplides, Chinmoy and Seagrave-Daley are not on the opening night guest list.