SPRING TRAINING: Marge Schott Returns from Grave to Suck Blood From Current Reds


Can't Be Schott. Only a wooden stake through the heart will do the trick on Marge.

GOODYEAR, AZ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) She was a terrifying figure while she was alive, and now deceased former Cincinnati Reds owner, Marge Schott has returned from the grave to suck the blood from the living.

Schott, who died in 2004, emerged from thin air at team’s spring training site. She immediately sunk her four inch fangs into the neck of Reds slugger Joey Votto.

“I was up for some good grease ball Italian food,” the undead owner known for her racist outbursts, chimed in a haunting, hollow voice amidst a swirling fog and a twelve tone musical accompaniment by a choir of demons.

Fortunately for Votto, assistant traveling secretary, Mitch Van Helsing, the great, great, great grandson of famous vampire slayer, Professor Abraham Van Helsing, happened to be onboard and doused holy water on the puncture wound in Votto’s neck healing it almost immediately.

“I always keep a flask of holy water, a crucifix, cloves or garlic and a wooden stake in my sports jacket. It’s family tradition.” the 38 year old Van Helsing said. “Sadly I was too late to save clubhouse man, Pepe Mendez.”

Schott launched a series of racial epithets at Mendez before turning him into the undead.

“I had no choice but to destroy Mendez,” added a somber Van Helsing. “I hope his family in Puerto Rico won’t mind. “Fortunately, I managed to also destroy Mrs. Schott, reducing her to a miasma of putrid decay – which for her was an improvement, with all due respect.”

The Reds are scheduled for a full workout today. Votto said he intends to join them, though he has complained of pernicious anemia.


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