A TSD Classique: More Legal Troubles: O.J. Simpson Charged with Selling Uranium to Iran
TEHRAN, IRAN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) NFL Hall of Famer O.J. Simpson continues to serve a lengthy prison sentence at Lovelock Correction Center in Nevada. But that sentence could become even longer. Simpson allegedly met with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in August of 2008 and promised him 20,000 cubic tons of enriched uranium to help aid Iran’s nuclear program.
“I’m pretty connected,” a boastful Simpson said from his isolated prison cell. “Ahmadinejad had been looking for someone inside the United States to essentially ‘hook him up.’ I was pleased to oblige. He kind of gets a bad rap as being a madman. If anyone knows how the press can play with the truth, it’s me.”
Simpson admitted that he rented a warehouse near his home in South Florida from a man called Vladimir Sosa. It was there, the former All-Pro claims he was able to synthesize certain elements of the uranium and separate the isotopes.
“We were on our way to getting the Yellowcakes out the door,” said Simpson. “But we didn’t have the time to finish.”
Yellowcakes, uranium concentrates obtained from leach solutions, represent an intermediate step in the processing of uranium ores.
“Since the Yellowcakes were on hold, we had to go to Plan B,” added Simpson. “So the next step was for me the run through airports, hurdle over various obstacles and board a plane to Damascus with a nuclear tactile missile slung over my back. Then from Damascus, ride in a cart pulled by oxen through hundreds of miles of impenetrable land straight into lovely downtown Tehran. Guess what? I made it.”
Ahmadinejad greeted Simpson at an undisclosed location. Preparations for the delivery of the uranium were arranged when the two were joined by Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, who arrived dressed as a thirteen year old girl scout.
A hearing to determine whether Simpson knowingly broke any laws will take place next Thursday.
“I was just trying to help,” said Simpson. “Lord knows, I’ve really fucked up in the past.”