After Woods’ First Win in Two Years, Ex-Wife to Conjure Up New Curse
Witchy Woman. Tiger's ex, Elin Nordegren prepares to unleash the nasty.
ORLANDO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A winless drought of over two years evaporated over the weekend as Tiger Woods captured the Arnold Palmer Invitational at Bay Hill. The jubilant Woods high-fived caddie Joe LaCava as a variety of emotions overtook him. In an undisclosed location, his ex-wife, former super model Elin Nordegren had some emotions of her own as the jilted hottie is now forced to concoct a new curse to prevent Woods from ever winning again.
“That fucker may be smiling now, but I’ve got something up my sleeve for the Masters.” Nordegren seethed.
Nordegren made no secret of aligning with witches and voodoo doctors to overturn the juggernaut that was Woods’ runaway freight train of golf dominance. The Lomidian Curse, which she invoked shortly during the couple’s very public breakup after Woods’ extra martial affairs were made public, hounded the world’s top golfer for thirty months.
By using Banyan tree root, a strand of former Manson Family member Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme’s hair, several unnamed exotic spices, oil of acorn, extract of sarsaparilla and the dregs of a single McDonald’s® french fry, Nordegren contrived a brew so potent, that Woods’ game fell apart, much to her cackling delight.
“Sadly, every curse has a shelf life, and mine just hit it’s expiration date.” lamented Nordegren pointing across her media room. “However, if you take a gander at that beaker over there, you’ll see I’ve acquired a very dangerous and full-bodied cache of Dick Cheney’s DNA. Couple that with some root of Slythtaxian, seed of Sabal palm, fur of willow, milk of ginger, and dead scabs of Lohan, and he’ll be five over par going into Amen Corner on Thursday.”
Woods was to have been among the favorites to win the Masters, which begins on April 5th.
Tags: Tiger Woods