A-Rod Promises To Hit Home Run for Perfectly Healthy, Rich Kid
LONG ISLAND, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Just days before his twenty-first birthday, H. Prescott Kent of the Southampton, New York Kents, learned he’d be receiving an unusual present. Slugger Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees announced he would hit a homerun for the young, cultivated eligible bachelor. Kent says he’s not a baseball fan, but may look in on the proceedings in a game scheduled against the LA Angels this weekend. “It’s nice of Mr. Rod to do whatever he’s going to do for me,” Kent said. “If I’m so inclined, I may take in the game live or watch it in Daddy’s study.”
Rodriguez was recruited by the Make-a-Wish Foundation to hit a homerun much like Babe Ruth allegedly did over seventy-five years ago for a young, dying boy in a hospital. This time that ailing child is Nicky “Ten Fingers” Santucci who is the only survivor of a row house fire in Net Cong, New Jersey that killed his entire family. But Rodriguez felt wasting an athletic achievement like a homerun on a kid who’s probably too sick to appreciate it in the first place probably isn’t worth doing.
A-Rod said, “I’d rather do it for someone with the financial solvency to really value the feat, perhaps even share it with some rich neighbors. Besides, I hear the kid ain’t gonna make it anyhow. But he keeps sending me letters all the time written in crayon. His spelling is atrocious. I hope this doesn’t make me sound like a dick, but I just wish he’d just shut up and get better – or die. Either way, just get it done.”
Kent’s aunt, Carolyn Ashton-Bates said, “I understand this whole thing came about because years ago some fellow named Babe Ruth hit a homerun for a young, sickly boy in the hospital. How positively winning. But that was many years ago. We can’t go building up the hopes of a prepubescent burn victim now can we? Suppose Mr. Rodriguez fails in his quest. That might send little what’s-his-name over the edge. Prescott’s just more able to handle a disappointment like that in everyway – emotionally, intellectually, physically, and financially.
Real Estate mogul Carter Forsythe, a neighbor of the Kents looks forward to watching the event. “Young Prescott’s so sporting just like his father Dalton,” the billionaire said sipping one-hundred year old brandy as he gazed out over a slightly choppy Atlantic Ocean. “But I must leave you now as I don’t care much for reporters. But let me say for the record, I hope that little kid turns a corner soon.”
Neither the Kents nor the Forsythes plan on meeting Rodriguez personally.