Phillies Sign Fans to Three Year Deal; Proposed Swap for Reds Faithful Nixed


I Ain’t Movin’. Philly resident Tony Zapski, an on-again, off-again Phillies fan, is relieved to be staying put.

PHILADELPHIA – (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Ending weeks of speculation to the contrary, the Philadelphia Phillies today announced that they would keep their fans despite pressure from certain players to trade them to another city because they boo too much. Struck on the fourth day of negotiations, the deal will keep the Phillies fans in Philadelphia for three years guaranteed with a one year option.  GM Ruben Amaro Jr. said there were very serious talks with the city of Cincinnati and the Reds organization to switch fans, but in the end the logistics of the planned swap proved insurmountable.

“That’s a lot of people to ask to switch allegiance. Moving all those people, especially from the suburbs and the transplants from other towns was a lot to ask,” Amaro said. “Even though our fans are renowned for their merciless booing and taunting of their own players, and their ability to literally run certain athletes out of town on a rail, they are very knowledgeable. I’d rather have fans with a certain level of over-the-top intolerance with a cascade of jeers-at-the-ready anticipating a Domonic Brown  strike out on a full count slider with runners in scoring position, than people on their cell phones behind home plate waving to their families at home on the local broadcast.”

Manager Ryne Sandberg agreed. “Our fans can be ball busting psychopaths, but when they stab you, they look in your eyes. There’s nothing backhanded or phony about their attitude and I think there’s something to be said for that level of honesty. Obviously, the Reds deal seemed attractive. Their fans exude a Midwest charm with a nice balance of passion, and a respectable knowledge of the game. They’re not quite on the level of the five tool fan of New York or Boston, but it was interesting to consider what a change of scenery en masse would have brought.”

Former relief pitcher Danys Baez who endured ruthless treatment from the fans upon his jogs from the bullpen to the mound was the most vocal on moving the fans out immediately. “I would have helped each and every one of them load up their moving vans and driven them to Cincy myself,” the hurler fumed. “You ever face Giancarlo Stanton with the bases juiced and try nibbling at the corners? It’s like kissing a cobra. What do these people want? I‘d love to follow them to their jobs and boo their asses when they can‘t get the copier to work.”

Jimmy Borelli of South Philadelphia and the proprietor of Jimmy’s Hoagies has been a Phillies fan since 1966. Borelli said he was at a crossroads. “I guess I had the choice of staying here with the hoagie shop and try to educate those Ohio people how to properly order a sandwich, and that mayo is a real freekin’ no-no – or I could have sold the business and moved with the other fans and become a Reds supporter,” the son of Italian immigrants said. “So on this day I thank the Blessed Virgin Mary I don’t have to worry about that for at least three more years with a one year option.”


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