Sixteen Year Old Hipster Sports Writer Captures Nation’s Attention with Lack of Punctuation and Glaring Typos
LARKSVILLE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Kevin Kuchinski, one of the hottest young sports bloggers in the nation, has been described as a “one man literary revolution” with his wildly inaccurate sports reporting rife with grammatical errors and run on sentences.
The sixteen year old Northeastern Pennsylvania native has taken a queue from what has become acceptable internet correspondence form; Most notably a lack of punctuation, capitalization, and proper spelling, and transformed it into a white hot must read.
“Admittedly, most of us have become a little lax when instant messaging with friends on Facebook® or AOL®, but what young Mr. Kuchinski has done is taken today’s requisite standard to the stratosphere,” said Misericordia University English Department Chair, Ichabod Lynch. “He’s elevated this sort of hipspeak to an indecipherable amalgam of dazzling non-sequiturs, historical inaccuracies, confounding abbreviations and maddening run on sentences that make a five year old’s first attempts at prose read like Flaubert. How wonderful for us. How absolutely fucking wonderful.”
Kuchinski’s legendary description of Derek Jeter’s 3,000 hit last year has been retweeted millions of times on Twitter:
jeetz gone yard for a 3K – dude hoo cawt it skipz da ebay yo // got tix to the post mAde the most yo cAps the fkn sheetz
A team of linguistics experts from Stanford University broke down what Kuchinski was attempting to say.
It is widely believed the phrase “jeetz gone yard for a 3K” was intimating that Derek Jeter’s 3,000th career hit was a home run.
It continued to explain that the gentleman who was fortunate enough to have retrieved the historic ball, refused to get market value on eBay®, but instead returned the ball to Jeter in exchange for season tickets including those to the post-season, should the Yankees reach the playoffs.
Finally, a personal accolade from Kuchinski to Jeter might have been suggested in the closing line: yo cAps the fkn sheetz – which literally translated means, the Captain is the fucking shit – or he’s an exceptional human being.
Kuchinski’s use of the capital A in the words “made” and “caps” may be code for AA – either American Airlines or Alcoholics Anonymous. Kuchinski’s grandfather worked for a short time as a baggage handler for American Airlines in a career that was shortened by alcoholism.
A bitter Lynch tossed back a healthy gulp of Scotch adding, “37 years of teaching the minutiae of language and style and slaving over a sentence till it literally drips off the page, and yet I find myself reduced to a deteriorating, quivering mass of nothingness in a stained corduroy jacket, living in a one bedroom apartment above a garage owned by a family of four while Yahoo! knocks on this pimply-faced little shit’s door with a mid level six figure salary. Life is a hellish abyss.
Kuchinski recently moved to the Bay Area.