Diners Fail to Aid NBA’s Most Flagrant Flopper During Life-Threatening Choking Fit
LOS ANGELES, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Manu Ginobli, the NBA’s most frequent and arguably most accomplished flopper, came perilously close to losing his life at a popular bistro yesterday afternoon. In town for the second game of the Spurs-Clippers conference semi-final, Ginobli was eating a tuna melt when something lodged in his throat, causing a violent coughing fit. According to eye witnesses, annoyed diners rolled their eyes even as Ginobli thrashed violently about and crashed into a neighboring table, dramatically collapsing to the floor, wide-eyed and aghast, as though catching a phantom elbow to the back of the head.
“We’ve seen it too many times before, no one was buying,” said Mitchell Reiner, an actor between roles. “Plus, you’ve got to understand, here in LA a flop is a movie that tanks. An over-emoting basketball player known for reacting to a stiff breeze like he was shot from a cannon isn’t going to get anyone’s attention.”
Reiner was shocked to learn that Ginobli was actually choking and was moments away from certain death if it weren’t for NBA ref Joey Crawford, in town to work the game later that evening, who happened by to apply the Heimlich maneuver.
“I’ll admit, my first thought was, oh man, give it a rest Ginobli,” said Crawford. “The guy’s a real drama queen. Players on his own team give him the business, even Duncan, who likes to imitate Ginobli simulating a fake orgasm. It’s hilarious. He writhes on the floor and shouts ‘si, si, si…’…and one!…then rolls over and snores.”
Director Quentin Tarantino, witnessed the entire scene from a nearby table. “It all kind of happened in slo-mo, which is how I would have shot the scene. Other than being about nine inches too short, Andy Garcia would be perfect.”
Clippers’ star forward Blake Griffin, who has been on the receiving end of countless hard fouls since entering the league last season, isn’t exactly sympathetic to Ginobli.
“I’ve had it with Ginobli and all the make believe bull(bleep). The guy’s been flopping all over the place since I’ve been watching the NBA as a kid. But if there’s anything that gets me more pissed than flopping it’s guys that make faces like you just cut the cheese. The refs call it all the time…when anyone over the age of six knows that if you smelt it, chances are you dealt it.”